From this Writing Desk
by ElmarBear
Summary: My Darling Matthew, I do not know where to start this letter, for I know you will never read it, nor ever even focus your eyes upon the page. However, you have been missing from my life for little under a year now and I still miss you so terribly much, (Mary writes letters to Matthew after his death. M/M M/TG)


_I hope there will be many chapters to this Fanfiction, that will basically depict the first eighteen or so years of Georges life (I think), anyway, reviews, both good and not so good, would be most welcome :) Thank you x_

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My Darling Matthew,

I do not know where to start this letter, for I know you will never read it, nor ever even focus your eyes upon the page. However, you have been missing from my life for little under a year now and I still miss you so terribly much. Why did you have to be taken so long before your time? I will never have an answer for that, for there is none. Those around me tell me it is just the way of the world but I still find it terribly unfair. I will love you and miss you till the sun rises in the west and sets in the east, then I will love you and miss you some more. So I will write these letters till I have made my peace with the world, and then perhaps, our darling George can read them one day and see how terribly in love his mother and father were.

I fear I have an apology to make.. listen to me now, you are dead and gone and still I apologize, but I must. I have been a terrible mother to your son I feel, and those first eight months I could barely lay eyes upon him it upset me too much, they say he has my hair and eyes, and that much I can see, but everybody agrees, even Mama, that he has your face and soul. He is such a quiet boy, so loving and gentle. Even now I see so much of you in him. But then, eight months past since your demise and I met a wonderful man, Tony Gillingham. I tell you my darling, he is not you, he will never be you, and the space you have left in my life shall never be filled, it is like an open wound still, raw and jagged. But perhaps, with time, he will close this wound, for I can feel him gently stitching it together already, piece by piece.

Let me tell you about him Matthew, please do, for he is kind and generous, and had I mentioned we are to be married? Perhaps not, but you know now my darling. And he has promised me that he expects nothing of me until I fell I am ready. I thank him for this, I really do, and I believe he has come to love me so terribly much so I just hope I do not disappoint. I will be ready one day, I think. You would tell me to move on, I know you would. I can still hear your voice, and feel your soft lips against mine, smell your soft hair and sometimes, trapped in that hazy layer between the worlds of the awake and the sleep, I can see your eyes, as blue and pure as the sky on a summer day, watching me and George, and I smile for I see your beautiful, wonderful face, and am reminded why I fell in love with such a brave, brave man.

I feel I am a better mother to George now. You have Tony to thank for that, he asked to meet him you see, then he held him gently and made him giggle. And when the nanny left I broke down and confessed how much I had failed you by ignoring my own son for something that was no fault of his own. For being beautiful.

And Tony, he really is wonderful Matthew, you two would get along ever so well, told me I hadn't and that my grief was only natural. Then he held me close, with my son between us and kissed my hair ever so gently. And George laughed, so for the first time, I tickled him and smiled at him, and he laughed some more. Then we sat, side by side, shoulder to shoulder (Tony and I that is) and played with him on the nursery floor. It was ever so much fun you see, and before we knew it, it was time for dinner, and for the first time, I didn't want to leave.

We did of course. But from then on I have vowed to show my son I love him every day. Now we are as thick as thieves, or so my mother says, and he is more spoilt than baby Sybie. He sleeps more in my arms than his own crib, I sometimes, when I cannot get over how truly beautiful he is, I lie awake on my bed for hours, just watching him doze beside me. Then he opens his little brown eyes and smiles when he sees me, and I cannot tell you how truly happy that makes me. Tony visits often to see us both too. He is here today, and has taken George down on to the lawn. From this writing desk I can just see them lying under the shade of one of the big trees. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I wish it was you George lay with, but I am lucky to have Tony, so will try and keep such thoughts to myself.

So there, my first letter is coming to an abrupt end, for I must go join my darling boys out under the shade of the old oak like I promised. I will never forget you my darling, I promise. I will always be in love with your beautiful face and brave heart. You were my only Matthew, like he will be my only Tony. I hope I have your blessing my Darling, and I promise to write soon, though I suspect you can already see what is happening down here.

With all my love, now and forever,

Mary


End file.
